Chapter 7
Min woo stepped out of his convertible and rested his back on his car, staring up at the window he adopted a habit to viewing a long time ago from down here. The lights were out and curtains closed. The light shining on the window was only sufficient to reflect back to min woo a slight shade of mauve. He sighed and breathed in the bitter cold air, hoping it would shock him into normal function, what his normality laid anyway. Finally taking his back off the car, his hands both slipped into his pockets naturally and he paced at snail speed towards the front door.
Upon entering the lifeless and light lacking house, he felt unfamiliar with the surroundings and this puzzled him. It had always been like this, walking into the house with no light detectable, no smiling faces to greet him, only thin air passing through when they please and as they please. But it had never bothered him before yet somehow everything was different, he felt as if something was missing, he felt lonely.
Stepping slowly up the stairs, min woo intended to look over some papers in his study yet his feet diverted the direction and he ended up in front of soo jin’s room. The door was slightly ajar and min woo could see a line of very dim lighting from inside. He pulled the door softly until he could see soo jin’s figure covered in blankets and sleeping peacefully.
You look so content yet I was not the one to paint this expression onto your face....maybe Angel is right....I’m not loving you.....I’m only loving myself.....having you the way I want you to be.....it makes me happy....I have never thought about what you wanted before...I’m so sorry soo jin....
I wish I could take Angel’s advice and let you go but I can’t....it’s so hard I can’t bear the pain...to even think about it is too much to handle.....you’re my weakness soo jin.....but it’s alright.....from now on I’ll be there in the shadows looking over you....you don’t even have to know that I’m there....as long as I can claim that spot and forever observe you from afar....I’m happy.....when you need me I’ll be there and when you don’t I’ll still be there to make sure you are doing ok.....just let me.....do something for you.....letting go isn’t an option.....because my life revolves around you soo jin....I will change....just you watch...I want you to be the happiest girl alive even if I’m not the one beside you.....
Min woo backed away from the door and turned swiftly, heading in another direction. He failed to notice the eyes that had gradually opened and the expression the eyes held underneath the undisturbed exterior presented to min woo just a minute ago. The two jewels told of worry and distress. She did understand, just not enough to work everything out and know how much disturbance she could cause inside two people with a flick of a finger.
* * * * *
Soo jin sat up in bed slowly and stared ahead unmoving. Her face a wash of white, with no colour to be seen anywhere, even though her body looked unnaturally limp and flaccid, her mind was racing at 100 miles an hour, different thoughts streaking in and out. Soo jin wasn’t dumb or oblivious, she just choose to continue her ignorance. Maybe she would have dropped this act a long time ago if she knew the truth yet she still sat there stressing, hurting, and being ignorant.
Min woo oppa.....I know when you come.....every night when you stand there staring at me....I can feel it but I don’t want to admit it. Maybe I don’t know everything that goes on in your mind....or maybe I am still in denial.
The way you look at me.....everything you’ve done for me....I’m thankful but I’m scared.....I want to pay you back for everything....but.....I’m feeling the strain.....whatever I do or say I look to you.....your nod of approval......
How do I tell you about Danny....what are you going to say.......what if....you disapprove....what am I going to do if you tell me no.....I can never disobey you.....but it hurts and I’m so scared.....I don’t want to tell you...ever....I don’t want to risk losing him......
I know I will never dare to disappoint you....so I’m leaving my life in your hands....until one day you say you will let me go.....I will stay by your side....forever....it’s the least I can do.....my debt to you......I’ll use this lifetime to repay you......so please.....forgive me....Danny is the only thing I have......I can’t lose him.........I can’t......until I have to let go......even an hour is precious to me......my only source of happiness.......I beg you oppa....forgive me for being selfish.....
* * * * *
The next morning, soo jin’s spirits were lifted considerably as she decided to let the worries she was dwelling on sink slowly to a small corner of her mind where it could be revisited only when she really wanted to. Soo jin decided in the midst of her misery yesterday night that she would go talk everything out with Angel. Whenever she had troubles before Angel was always there to help and she figured this time would be no different.
Reaching the bottom of the stairs to the living room, she saw min woo already dressed in his grey Armani suit, taking bites out of buttered toast whilst absorbed in the morning paper. He would occasionally release his toast and take a sip out of his orange juice glass. That’s the way he was, ordered, in control, never changing.
“Hi oppa....”
“Huh? Morning soo jin. Sleep well?”
He smiled and looked at soo jin as she sat down to have breakfast, abandoning the paper and toast.
“Yes, fine. I wanted to tell you I’m going out today. You don’t have to wait for me for dinner.”
Soo jin reported to min woo her plans carelessly as she inspected a jar for more spread. Min woo’s eyebrow arched sceptically and questioned her in a most curious manner. “Why are you going out?”
“Just to get some fresh air....I won’t be back too late so don’t worry.”
“Who are you going out with?”
“I don’t know yet....”
Soo jin looked up from her food finally and stared at min woo thoroughly confused, his behaviour seemed extremely odd.
“You don’t know? How can you not know? I will not permit you to go out if you do not tell me.”
He placed his papers to the side firmly and stared at her in waiting. Soo jin followed in his actions and pushed away her plate, then sat back and lifted her head. She wanted to answer but didn’t know where to start. There was definitely something very fishy going on. Min woo usually never questioned her plans or interfered in any way, the fact that he had just threatened to cancel her plans was almost impossible to come about. Soo jin didn’t understand the sudden outburst from min woo and it wasn’t a surprise she couldn’t piece together the puzzle either.
“But...you never interrogated me for this before. You know we have a mutual agreement when it comes to my private life. You have no right-...”
“I have every right Kim soo jin. After all, I did raise you.”
Min woo cut her off sharply and this made soo jin jump back, startled.
Why are questioning me about this all of a sudden....don’t you trust me....what are you suspecting me of.....do you.......Danny....oh no....
Soo jin suddenly conjured up a crude suspicion that min woo was trying to make her confess or catch her out in a lie. She automatically stopped the argument she was ready to throw at him and smiled in min woo’s direction.
“But oppa....I’m only going to visit Angel unnie....last time I went I never got to talk to her a lot....”
His facial expression did not soften and he was even more hesitant.
“Angel.....? Who are you going with?”
“I’m going alone......”
Soo jin took in a cold breath of oxygen and felt a small jab at her conscience. She was so sure min woo’s question hid another meaning.
Maybe he does know about Danny.....did....unnie tell him...? But why won’t he talk about it to me then........
Min woo inspected her for awhile before opening his mouth and giving her permission to go. He didn’t understand what was going on, didn’t he just promise himself he would not interfere with soo jin anymore? Didn’t he promise to look over her and let her be free? Didn’t he promise to find happiness for her? Didn’t he....love her? With great self constrainment, he peeled the cynical voice from himself and dropped the jealous lover act.
“Sorry....you know how I worry about you. It looks like rain today so don’t forget to add a jumper.”
“Ok....”
Soo jin nodded weakly and was glad this was finally over.
“Oh yeh...and one more thing...”
“Yes?”
“Tell Angel this for me......I’m going to try....I can’t keep her forever....”
With that, min woo stood up and reached for his briefcase and walked out the door to the car where his driver was waiting.
“I have made up my mind today soo jin....I am going to make sure you are the happiest girl on Earth......with or without me by your side......”
He whispered so that only he could actually hear himself, before stepping into the car. Soo jin stared at him from the window, her mind working overtime again.
* * * * *
“Unnie....morning!”
“Oh....hi soo jin....what are you doing here?”
“I wanted to talk to you about something. Are you busy?”
Angel smiled and set the cup she was wiping and walked out from behind the counter to greet soo jin. She urged her to sit down and ordered two cappuccinos for both of them.
“It’s pretty early so shoot. What did you want to talk about?”
“Hey...what happened to the glass?”
Before soo jin started talking, her curiosity led her to this question.
“Oh....let’s just say it cracked under pressure.”
“Oh.”
Soo jin gave Angel a weird look but said nothing more, she knew it would be hard digging out any information from Angel. This was also the reason why she loved spilling her most inner thoughts and feelings to her. They would keep sinking into Angel and never see light.
“So...you must have wanted more than to ask me about broken glass right?”
Angel picked up the cappuccino placed in front of her and took a sip, licking away the froth from her lips. Smiling, she waited expectantly for the girl with her hands around the cappuccino cup to speak up.
“Um....unnie....”
Soo jin couldn’t meet Angel’s eyes and swept across the room in embarrassment. She couldn’t find a way to start her question without sounding anxious or worried. Angel kept sipping her cappuccino waiting patiently and observing the café herself in nothing less than interest.
“Ok....I was wondering unnie....did you by any chance tell min woo about Danny?”
By the end of the sentence soo jin’s voice became less than an audible whisper.
“No....I didn’t tell him.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
I’m not lying....I didn’t tell him about Danny.....he saw himself.....
Soo jin smiled in relief and laughed at herself, at least he didn’t know and that was the most important thing.
“Why are so worried soo jin? You have to tell him someday.”
“Um....I know....but...”
Her voice trailed off again but Angel wasn’t about to let it off like that.
“But what...? Are you not telling me something...?”
Angel smiled in soo jin’s direction with a knowing look, soo jin could be classified in the worst liars group on earth.
“Well.....I don’t know.....if I tell you then you have to promise not to tell oppa okay? I feel really stupid thinking this but....I can’t help it...”
“Have I ever spilled your secrets to him before?”
She smiled at the little sister in front of her and winked just to lighten up her spirits. Knowing soo jin for such a long time, Angel could extract her mood and thoughts just from her expression. It was obvious soo jin had something on her mind and it was bothering her, probably because she couldn’t figure it out or get it to make sense herself.
“Well....I’m scared to tell oppa about Danny....”
“Scared?”
Angel raised a cynical eyebrow but said nothing. This, she did not expect.
“Yes....to tell you the truth....I think min woo oppa likes me....but not in the sister and brother way. I mean, I know the way he looks at me and sometimes I catch him just staring at me for no reason. It could be all just me being paranoid but....sometimes I think he’s too nice to me if you know what I mean. I get really scared of him sometimes, just the way he treats me makes me feel guilty.”
“Guilty?”
“Yeah....I know ever since I stepped into the Lee mansion, min woo oppa was always there by my side and protecting me. I can’t even remember once when he wasn’t there, supporting and encouraging me. I’ve come so far since my parents’ deaths and I owe it all to him. When I was down, he would cheer me up again and the toughest times have passed because he was there. I could never repay him this lifetime and I’m scared.”
“I don’t understand....you think min woo loves you but you’re scared and somehow Danny ties into this whole situation too?”
Soo jin cringed at the word love.
“Complicated isn’t it? I feel like I’m in a never ending maze.”
“Life’s like that sometimes, there have been more than once when I lost my way....”
....and you know what soo jin....I don’t think I ever diverted back on track either.....
“Yeah....I suppose....”
Soo jin sighed and stopped to think.
“So....are you going to explain this to me?”
“....I’m scared.....because I don’t want to lose Danny. If oppa really likes me....he won’t agree to our relationship of course but I love Danny so much unnie.”
“It’s simple....why don’t you just tell min woo? He can’t force you into anything....you know he wouldn’t anyway. He....he....loves his little sister too much...”
“But unnie.....I know oppa wouldn’t force me....but I will force myself.....”
“Force yourself?? Into what?”
Angel’s voice hit up another key and her expression confused. Now she could understand why it seemed to drain soo jin of her bright personality. Indeed, this was much more complicated that she had thought.
“Into staying with oppa....if he really does like me...I’m not going to tell him my feelings. He’s done so much for me....I know I wouldn’t be the person I am now if it wasn’t for him. How can I betray him? I’ve made up my mind....actually....I think I’ve always held this thought in the back of my mind.....if oppa didn’t want to let me go....I will not go......ever....”
“But soo jin.....your happiness.......”
“It’s nothing compared to everything min woo oppa has given me.....I need to give something back to him......this guilt I feel will continue gnawing at me if I stay on the receiving side any longer.....it might not seem possible....but it hurts to have oppa treating me the way he does. Sometimes I wished he wasn’t so good to me.....it would make everything....easier.....”
Angel noted the small drops rolling down soo jin’s cheeks but said nothing to comfort her. This wasn’t something anyone could solve, it was a self struggle and what results conjured up in the end would depend on soo jin herself. Angel knew if she was in that position the thoughts and worries she’d have to endure from would be equivalent to soo jin’s right now.
“Soo jin ah....you and I both know only you can decide on this issue....because no one can emphasize with you.....they haven’t been through what you have, they don’t know how it feels. They don’t understand you and min woo thoroughly enough to judge. It is really your morals and values that will get you through in the end.”
Soo jin wiped away the annoying liquid element of her frustrations with a sleeve and looked up at Angel, understanding the look that searched her own eyes.
“I understand....I really do.....but....it’s so hard....I just wish someone could help me...”
“No one can help you....but I do have something to say. You and min woo have grown up together and experienced life’s many firsts with each other. The ups and the downs, what haven’t you been through? Yet, you seem to know less than me about each other. Whatever you are thinking now, keep in mind that min woo loves you as a sister and would always love you as a sister no matter what. Find your happiness soo jin, spread your wings, fly away. He would want you to do that. In the end, I know whatever that is best for you will be best for him.”
.....after all....you are his everything.....
Soo jin looked at Angel in a cloud of confusion but Angel could see that some sense started to creep into soo jin’s mind. Hopefully, it would clear out a path for her to follow down.
By then people started to file into the café allowing Angel to excuse herself from the table, she really wanted to give soo jin some space to figure everything out for herself and Angel herself had something important to do. After the frenzy of customers died down, soo jin was out of sight but Angel only breathed a sigh of relief. She walked to the back of the counter and into the kitchen.
Soo jin......I’m so sorry but you know I want the best for you.....and maybe it will help...we’ll just have to see.....
Angel flipped open her cell and slowly keyed in the digits she knew so well. The ringing almost made her heart skip a beat but soon enough the call was answered.
“Hello......?”
* * * * *
Min woo slowly placed down the receiver and leaned back on his leather black seat.
You can’t do this to yourself soo jin.......why didn’t you ever tell me how you felt......I’ve been so stupid.....I’m so selfish.....I’m so sorry....you will not sacrifice yourself for me....I’ll make sure of it.....
Struggling with the bombardment of thoughts, he couldn’t control his anger and cleared his desk of everything with one brush of his hand. The papers flew into the air for a second before scattering themselves on the floor, out of order. Out of order, that’s how min woo had felt. He needed to do something to help soo jin but his normally bright self seemed to disappear into thin air as soon as soo jin was mentioned. Min woo slammed his fist onto the table and waited for the pain. He hoped this could penetrate him and bring the sense back but it didn’t. He felt useless now and wanted more than anything to just rest and not think about it anymore. Placing his arms onto the icy table, he lowered his face into his arms and closed his eyes. Suddenly, his cellphone informed him of a message and it took him forever to reach out and read the message.
Just remember if you ever need anything I’ll be here to lend you a hand. Don’t think you’re alone.......
He stared at the words in silence and could hear his own heartbeat. The two simple sentences pulled him back to when Angel had said those exact words. She seemed to always be there, whenever he needed it. He had never felt the need for someone else to be there for him but staring at his cellphone screen, he knew after all this time Angel was the one who stayed behind him and that was why he never felt lonely. His personality was always very demanding and harsh and no one could relate to him. People crowded around him either feared him or wanted something from him but Angel was different. She was that one distinct person who had made a mark when she walked into his life. Sure he didn’t notice it at first but those two simple sentences at his time of need woke him to a new realisation. She could help him....maybe only she could help him. An idea struck min woo like a bolt of lightning, all his senses regained.
That’s it.....it would be the best I could do for soo jin....and bring her out of this hole I dug.....this never ending black hole.....soo jin....I will reach out and pull you out...I promise....
She will help me....I know she will....she loves you just as much as me soo jin.....I don’t know how I’m going to ask or how she’s going to react but I know she will help....
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